The Hidden Struggle

ng Prompt: What is something you struggle with?
What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?

I struggle with the daemon of an invisible illness.  I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  That’s not just feeling tired all the time.  It’s incredibly hard to describe what it does feel like.  Sometimes, my limbs just haven’t the energy to move.  I can’t even hold a book to read it for more than five minutes.  Its more than frustrating, because there is so much I want to do – so much I want to achieve.

There is nothing on the outside to indicate I am anything other than lazy, unmotivated.  And then, there is the chronic depression.  I’m not sure which came first.  Each exacerbates the other.  Not many people see that, either.  I hide behind the smile, behind the humour.

I’m lucky that both come in waves.  Some days are better than others.  The temptation on the good days is to go all out to do everything I can to make up for the bad days – but this makes it worse in the long run.

So I have to hold myself back.  I live in constant fear of not doing enough, not being enough, not giving enough.  But to get better, I have to believe I am doing my best to do, be and give enough of me, no matter what lies beneath.  Transition to this belief is my challenge.

Creation despite it, is my goal.

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